September 12, 2014

The first time I heard the term “baller,” I thought it was about that gross ’70s slang for screwing. Then I learned it was a metaphor about playing basketball. Now I want it to be about someone who attends so many formal dances, that’s what defines them.

August 11, 2014
Pick up your feet

In the late ’70s, I ordered a book from the Scholastic Book Club called “The Disco Handbook.”  It came with a soundsheet, supposedly representative of disco music.  This hilariously awkward tune has haunted me ever since, and I finally dug it up via the excellent Ron Gerber at www.crapfromthepast.com.  He’ll explain further at the beginning.

Actual lyric: “Pick up your feet and clap your hands….”
Lyric I always heard off my crappy record player: “Pick up your feet and fuckin’ dance….”

July 2, 2014
Phylicia Rashād

Embarrassing, but I’d had this one song in my head since the ’80s, and baffled many record store nerds with my description of it, which went something like: “Ok, it’s this really silly, sarcastic punk rock tune about Phylicia Rashād, the lady who played Clair Huxtable on the Cosby Show. I’m thinking it’s some obscure Dead Milkmen or something. It goes ‘Phylish—Phylish—Phylicia Rashād’ over and over….’ “

Finally, in the mid-90s, some patient clerk at Wax ‘N Facts (@waxnfacts) in Atlanta just busted his gut laughing and went and found the record.

That record:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrvWPkMUHM4

June 2, 2014
True Hollywood Facts

I bet if you saw Ricky Gervais ease himself into the same Hollywood Hills Jacuzzi with Seth MacFarlane, and you pulled the right lever, you wouldn’t be able to tell their screams apart, as they tumbled down the hillside.

April 17, 2014
D’joo Guys Have Fun Back There?!

Back in Middle and early High School  (1979-on), I had a close friend who’d moved down the street a couple years prior.  Let’s call him “Jeff.”

Jeff wasn’t exactly traditionally good-looking, due to his weight, and kind of a troubling skin condition, but girls absolutely loved him—even the popular ones.  Especially the popular ones. 

And he had a HUGE record and tape collection in his room.  HUGE!  This was a guy who’d worked out that his 8-track player could record, and by 9th grade, had committed and cataloged dozens of hours of “King Biscuit Flower Hour” recordings from our AOR station, 96 Rock.

Anyway, another friend, one of the most hilarious I’ve known (we’ll call him “Jimmy”) had come over to go out and “party.”   Party in my burgundy, 1978 VW Rabbit diesel (I know—sexy), so we went to go hit the “town” (our small suburban Atlanta town.)  This would normally involve us eventually trying to find a secluded spot to park, usually around a landfill, or construction area, firing up a sweet doob, and crankin’ some Dio-era Black Sabbath, or whatever new, shitty tapes anyone else had.  But on this one night, we didn’t account for Mister Brown (Yeah that’s his real name), the retired cop, and self-appointed Guardian of the Neighborhood.

So, after Jimmy came over, he and I drove down to pick up Jeff, and continue our journey.  Thing was, as a new driver, I meant to make a right at this one stop sign, and, as I was probably 16, ran up into the corner of the opposing yard a little bit.

So, unbeknownst to us, this happened right across the street from Mister Brown, the retired cop, who was apparently sitting on his porch, just waiting to put a stop to some teen shenanigans.  Having thought he’d seen a “trenching” taking place, Mister Brown apparently sprung into action, his car,  and began following us.  As we wended through the subdivisions, I began to notice a driver had been following us for quite some time.

I mentioned this to my equally clueless mates in the car, and we all agreed that the best way to handle this would be to play a joke, pretending our car had broken down.  Just pull up to the stop sign, and pop the hood.  Hilarious idea, right?

I effected our plan, popped the hood, and within ten seconds, there was a knock at my driver’s window, and a tall, grown man right outside it, with a nickel-plated revolver.  Kind of straight out of the Dazed and Confused mailbox guy.

I rolled down the window.  Not a cop, It was Mister Brown, from the car behind us.  The refurbed, Crown Vic without lights that had been tailing us the entire time.  As I rolled down the window, we heard “Djmooguise Havvun Bac’dere?”

Davin:  “Sorry, what?”

Mister Brown: “Didyoo Guys Have Fun Back There?!”

Davin: “Um, huh?  Back…where?”

We went back and forth over the particulars of how I “ruined his neighbor’s yard,” (who he didn’t even really know), and left us with the promise that he’d be talking to all our parents, I sped away, lost him, and immediately headed home.  (This was all well before we smoked that night.)

Rode up in my folks’ driveway, after Jeff had spilled his large Iced Tea onto my grey cargo pants for an excuse.  Ran in, told my mom there was some crazy man with a gun chasing us around the neighborhood.  She was pretty casual about it, calling Mister Brown “kooky,” so I confidently left, striding down the driveway, after which Mister Brown was already there, having rounded up my friends.

I went down there, full of apologies, showing him the massive Tea Stain on my leg, “Listen, Mister Brown, I didn’t mean to run up into the Mayer’s yard.  It was an accident, and I’m glad to talk to them about whatever recompensation I can do….”

Mister Brown wasn’t having it.  And as I was doing my best “Eddie Haskell” routine, my brilliant friend “Jimmy,” started cracking up.  My only thought was “No, Jimmy, not now!”

So here’s the rest of that conversation, there on the street outside my parent’s house:

Mister Brown:  So, ya think this is funny, do, ya, sport!

Jimmy: Um, (Sport!), No sir, *Crink* I am not a sport.  I tried going out for—

Mister Brown: “Well what’s your name, son?”

JImmy (without a beat):  “Donnie Iris.”

Mister Brown: Well, I tell you what, mister Iris….

Funniest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

This is the guy “Jimmy” was referencing, btw:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWsB4mVvW7c

p.s. By the way, the three of us ended up totally rockin’ out to “Mob Rules” that night.

April 4, 2014
CNN just keeps amazing me, and not in any kind of good way

Yes, I found this on Banalfeed, and yes I’m posting it inside this sanctuary, but I couldn’t find a way to post just the video. And this is not a shot at Blitzer in particular, but the tone-deaf, “traumatic for the victims’ families” kinds of decisions CNN has been guilty of recently .  “A 3-d sim of the killer that looks like it came from a low-rent 2002 first-person shooter?  Oh, the children of the victims oughtta connect with this!  Let’s get it happening.”

http://www.buzzfeed.com/katherinemiller/cnn-creates-animated-version-of-the-fort-hood-shooting

Anyway: holy crap, seriously—what’s next for CNN?  Here’s a possible scenario:

V/O: “Back here in Oso, WA, Joseph Mcgreely, 66, filmed here moments after watching rescuers pull his deceased wife’s body from a virtual sea of mud and debris, is surely devastated by the loss of his family, his house and all his belongings, which apparently included this late model John Deere lawn tractor.  *cut to closeup of green debris sticking out of mud.*

We caught up with Joseph 2 days later, when he was gracious enough to fly out to the Situation Room, sleep in a warm bed, eat a hot meal and tell his story.”

Blitzer:  So Joseph, this all must be pretty overwhelming. How are you holding up?

Mcgreely (red-eyed, wiping away tears):  Yes, well, it just doesn’t seem real, Wolf, and, you know, the worst—

Blitzer (interrupting):  That’s sad. We wonder if you could do our viewers a small favor.

Mcgreely: I—huh?

Blitzer:  Our staff here have arranged a simulation of the events using this turtle-shaped baby pool and a five gallon bucket of Kahlua’s popular Mudslide™ liqueur. {{graphic of bottle of Kahlua Mudslide}}

Mcgreely (visibly panicking):  What on God’s Green Earth is the matter with—

Blitzer:  So, would you mind taking this popular children’s doll and placing it the area below the little slide, to show where your wife may have been the exact moment mother nature exacted her revenge on your entire family?

*b-roll of Mcgreely, mouth open, speechless*

Blitzer:  Ok, I know you’re nervous today—I’ll just do it for you.  We have a pretty good approximation of where your house was here on Google Maps™.

*Overhead Cam:  Blitzer drops Bratz doll into empty plastic pool, hesitates, flicks it over a couple of inches.*

Blitzer:  That seems about right.

*Overhead Cam closeup shows gallons of Kahlua Mudslide flowing down green plastic slide, over and around now-floating Bratz doll.*

Blitzer:  So Mr. McHutchens, I know it’s been a rough couple of days, and you weren’t there the moment of the disaster, but does this scenario seem accurate?

*Sound of lavalier mic getting ripped off shirt*

O/S (Intern):  No, sir—whatsis? Right—Joseph!  That’s all through your shirt, sir!  Let us…(garbled)….

*Mcgreely storms off set, mumbling curses*

Blitzer:  Clearly an emotional time for Mr. Legree. But from our simulation, it seems very clear that Mrs. Greensleeves was somehow able to float atop all this mud and rubble, at least for some time, and we have to wonder whether this natural ability had something to do with her corpse being recovered so quickly. There’s not much question that what happened there in Oso remains a real tragedy…
 
..and that for at least one man, “God’s Green Earth…”

Blitzer (overhead shot of Bratz doll bobbing, circling around, and sinking in brown mess):  …isn’t so “green” anymore. For CNN, I’m Wolf Blitzer.

March 27, 2014
For me, it all started with Gator McKlusky

It’s always a shame when an entertainment outlet’s producers think they finally “find a formula that works.” Just a few examples.

“Die Hard XVII, as imagined via beer pong/”20 years ago, whenever that was” dance party with vaguely attractive, Williamsburg Brochicks.”
-www.collegehumor.com

“The top 18,351 reasons you might not be aware that you are reading this headline. Also, tiny baby something or other.”
-www.buzzfeed.com

“Ten things the Battle of Agincourt can teach us about how the development of carbon steel was like Steven Seagal whipping his rod out and mini-gunning thousands of tiny Steven Seagals right into your dickhole.”
-Grumpy, unkempt, middle-aged nerd who wrote just the basic article, via Strike Squad Young Hyperbolist, Alpha Editing Battalion Echo Tango Charlie
-www.cracked.com

“Once you watch the first 17 seconds of this completely non life-changing moment, you will Google the string: ‘block upworthy link facebook’ before the 30-second mark. You won’t believe how quickly you’ll do it!”
-www.shareworthy.com, www.shareshare.edu, www.canwesharei09stuff.com, www.hellzapoppin.biz, www.HeSharesSheSharesByTheSeashore.ck

“U smell lame, and old, and i hate you for even needing to come here”
-www.knowyourmeme.com

“This is not, nor will it ever be your father’s UCB Theater.”
-Lorne Michaels, www.nbc.com

B/W comic panels, dramatically minimalistic:
1: “We are perched upon the rocky crust of a whirling oblate spheroid—a chunk of molten garbage…
2. …hurtling around the very engine of our biosphere at 107,182.31 kilometers per hour, yet the stars aren’t so far away….”
3. …Except the farthest known object ever detected, UDFj-39546284 likely died out around 13.42 billion years ago.
4. And yet…it seems closer…
5. Than…you.

Right-click annotation: Special thanks to the chestburster who became Aaron Sorkin, for laying the facehugger egg that inspired me to start this new career.
-Randall Munroe, www.xkcd.com

March 11, 2014
No, I didn’t like this. This was not it, at all.

Just before midnight, I heard a chilling, inhuman shriek down the block.  Sounded just like a red fox (or an extremely drunk singer from some shitty Echo Park band everyone’s talking about who’s still thinking it was the FUCKING BEST idea to bang his manager just now).  But then, almost immediately after, there came a chorus of coyote calls—ok so, pretty clear.  “Coyotes making a kill.  Or, could have been coyotes killing a red fox….”

"Wait, do we even get those around here?  Never seen one in the city…Hmm."

So here is a screenshot of the result from searching the term “dog” using Google:

image

Notice the huge sidebar with the Wikipedia link.  In the last years, Google has apparently accepted Wikipedia as a good enough source to align their search string results to their’s for these sidebars..  Cool.  Reasonable.

And then, here is a screenshot of my result from searching the term “fox” using Google:

image

And, six pages of results in, still no link to information/Wikipedia about foxes.

To get this Google result, you have to type the term “fox animal”:

image

Oh, and the Wikipedia page for the term “fox?”

image



Nice going, Google.  Dicks.

April 30, 2012

The second in my series of . This is the only way I remember this song. (Sorry ).

July 31, 2011

@ericwareheim @timheidecker: True origins of #Chrimbus revealed! #timanderic #omghastobeaprank

Liked posts on Tumblr: More liked posts »